Don't know what to do anymore

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Hello TYT Fam, I’ve been trying to figure out for a couple of weeks now how to really express how I have been feeling for the past 6 months without falling into deeper despair. The last thing I ever want to do is make people worry or bring anyone’s mood down in anyway, however I feel myself getting worse by the day to where thoughts of suicide have slowly been invading my thoughts. Nothing concrete but the voices are there, whispers for the time being but they are there.

As much as I enjoy Operation Joy every Tuesday it hurts to listen to at the same time. I hear other members finding happiness and joy despite their hardships, one member stated going home to her comfortable bed, another member talked about spending time with their child, another talks about things they do with their husband, new jobs, vacations, blissful walks, meditations etc. Despite what problems these people have going on they have these things to combat that pain with which is absolutely wonderful (this message has nothing against those members or anyone in general who can find any measure of joy in these trying times, that’s wonderful for them) I’m not as fortunate.

I don’t have a bed to sleep in because I’m homeless, I don’t get to spend time with my daughter because I have no where to host her or money to spend on her after her child support payments. I can’t work multiple jobs to make more money because I have heart and kidney disease, I don’t have a significate other to lean on because no woman wants to date a 44 year old single dad, low income earning, chronically ill, homeless man?

I use to question why people take their lives especially the ones who lives seems perfect on the outside and of course there’s a number of reasons why, from what I can share the thoughts that come into my head or what my reason would be is simply to make the voices stop. I’m tired of hearing myself telling myself how much I hate myself. I’m trying my best to take Cenk’s advice to heart I really am and at times it works but it’s a temporay fix and I’m right back in the darkness.

I guess why I’m writing this is simply just to vent really, I’ve tried shelthers, programs and other options with no luck but my daughter’s love keeps me going. I’ve been thinking as of late if I let this disease just run its course and end me than my daughter will collect my life insurance and at the very least her father can give her a better future. I’m not at the point where I need to call the suicide hotline or anything like that, I’m hoping with this that if you’re someone reading this and you might be going through something simular or God forbid something worst but may be afriad to open up about it, reach out to anyone wether on here or through family or friends.

Thank you Fam for letting me vent and sorry for the long read. I really hope I didn’t darken anyone’s light if you’re having a great day or anything. But seriously thank you so much.

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I have been in the situation you have been in (because of a legalized mugging perpetrated on me years go…) My advice is you have one of two ways to go: get real angry at the injustice of your situation (probably in your case: a shitty job market, probably because of Trump’s purposely sadistic economic policies; a housing inventory escalated through speculation which should not be permitted in the first place in a country that should respect workers…) and use that anger to try and dig out of your situation; or just give up.

And I don’t make any judgments about giving up! I just hope you can summon the energy of anger to channel it into constructive actions that get you out of your present hole.

Here’s a song from Public Image Limited (a sequel band to The Sex Pistols…) I just posted on the “Jukebox” thread that speaks to using anger as an energy to remediate a life crisis…

Rise-Public Image Limited

PS Use anger to execute constructive actions that improve your situation; not do a “misery loves company” and just take down others…

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First, speaking up is good. Please do not worry about the length of the post or bringing others down. I read your post, and I do not feel brought down at all. I was already winding down, but I pulled out my keyboard and got to typing. So, you galvanized me actually!

And if anyone gives you shit about this, THEY are in the wrong. Not you! I promise you that. In fact, until you spoke about homelessness, I was like, “I feel like that too!” And then, I was like, “Oh, fuck. I hope someone replied with the right words because I won’t have them.” I am so sorry, but I will likely get this response all wrong.

Please reconsider calling the suicide hotline. 988. I texted with them a while back, and it wasn’t great. I got the impression that they are better on the phone, but I texted because that day, I was all talked out but in too dark a place to disregard contacting them again. Even imperfect resources can help. Being heard is useful, and sometimes the back and forth helps you feel like yourself again.

I’ve not experienced homelessness because someone took me in when my life turned upside down. I don’t have advice to offer, but I hear you. I haven’t listened to Operation Joy, but I know that feeling you describe. I’ll give you a recent example. The other day, Cenk and Ana were talking about a study that showed that couples who gossip together are more connected. It was meant to be fun and lighthearted, but I unexpectedly spiraled a bit. I truly doubt my ability to connect with anyone romantically again, but the feelings that segment brought up went deeper than I imagined. And for a moment, I judged myself too. But all the feelings are okay. It’s human.

I hope your future is brighter, but if it isn’t, please don’t leave this world thinking ill of yourself. I found your post extremely relatable, and I believe a lot more people feel that way even if they’d never admit it aloud. I also believe that it takes effort and courage to acknowledge these feelings and express them. Those who don’t understand, well, I guess their journey is different. And those who judge are just assholes.

Do you journal? Maybe you could write journal entries to your daughter, and in those moments, your spirit can be with her even when you can’t see her. Or write a story for her! Creative writing has helped me a lot in this last year. Loving her has value even if it doesn’t come in the expected package. I don’t have children, but I know what it’s like to feel forgotten by a parent. You loving your child has value. To a child, no matter the age, it’s the love and care that matters more than anything else. That’s my view anyway. So, if you keep expressing that love, maybe the other voices might quiet down a bit.

Keeping finding ways to honor yourself. Expression here was a good thing to do for yourself.

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Thank you

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Your expression is powerful; it reaches us deeply. I hope you can feel our hearts resonate with yours despite the darkness designed to violate our dignity. The clarity of your expressed pain is a pointed reminder of the persistent urgency from which we can only deny the tranquilizing drug of gradualism.

I wish I knew how to respond more constructively, more directly, more personally. You say you don’t know what to do anymore; I certainly don’t know either. If I had to hazard a guess, perhaps there could be nothing to do, or perhaps just bearing witness, or perhaps connecting with others. Again, I really don’t know. But thank you for sharing.

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I really can’t thank you enough for this, to actually take the time to write this is something to see. I’m sorry for the hardships you face as well. I’m trying to find the joy in things again and sometimes I do but some days are harder to deal with and I haven’t given up just yet but I would be lying if I said I don’t think about it.

I think I might just try the journal entries though, that sounds like something that may help. again thank you so much for the message

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Thank you for sharing, and please don’t worry yourself on my behalf, no is obligated to have to answers for me but this, this message right here is more helpful than you realize, sometimes just connecting is a great help all of it’s own. To be able to vent helps but to have someone actually listen to the venting helps even more I am bless to have people care enough to listen is truly something. Thank you so much.

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You’re welcome. Sometimes journaling is hard for me. It can feel like reliving pain you already went round and round with enough. So, I started getting “less rigid” with it, noting anything. To-do lists, thoughts, story ideas, etc. I stopped treating journaling like this niche or meditative thing. A journal is just a fancy notebook, I decided! And it still helped. It’s like an orientation tool even if nothing else. There are times when I cannot remember the last “better” day, and my journal will show me that it wasn’t as long ago as I thought it was. Tracking notes or apps helped too, oddly enough. Sometimes the only thing I did “right” that day was keep hydrating. “One foot in front of the other” can suck, but in the absence of anything else, it’s still a focal point that might get you through to a brighter headspace.

Please don’t push yourself to or judge yourself for not seeing the joy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with struggling to see it. Pushing too hard for something you don’t feel could make it a punishment. And you do not deserve that.

Expression and creativity help in my case, but your expression and creativity could become something very different. Have you ever heard of Becorns? https://www.davidmbird.com/

This guy makes tiny acorn people and photographs them. And they are delightfully charming. Spend more time with the things that do build you up or at least help you hold the line. Like here in this chat. Keep coming back to it. Share anything. This is your thread.

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Your strength to reach out is inspiring and shows there is a fire in you that refuses to go out :heart: as other have said, maybe use anger to fuel that fire, maybe use the love of your daughter, either way us in the TYT fam will always be here for you and help fan the fire in your soul aswell. Vent away if need be. If you have the ability and enjoy cartoon/anime or reading comics, a series called “Naruto” helped dig me out of a dark hole and its one option i go back to it when the light starts to fade.

Sending hugs from kangaroo land down under. You got this.

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Cerberus,

Thanks for sharing your pain, it’s important to know that others are suffering and to let others know when you are. Can’t have light without darkness.

I think that even in your difficult situation there are women out there who are looking for a man who will share his emotions and not just withdraw when he’s hurting, and be able to see through the hardships to actually see you. It took me until 42 to meet a real one, and I still think it was just luck.

Keep your head up brother, you’ve got this. And it cracks me up when Doc tries to read your handle, especially since he’s got 2 PhDs and somehow doesn’t know how Cerberus is spelled. If he heard someone say it aloud he’d lock it in :joy:

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That’s really been the challenge, I judge myself way too harshly believing myself to be a huge failure but seeing my daughter grow into this wonderful little lady shows me that I at least did the most important thing right. Sometimes I have to be reminded of that

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I swear I love Australians so much lol, every experience I’ve had with anything Australian has been positive and I’ve never even been there be. But thank you so much for the post. I’m a huge gamer and cartoon buff myself although I don’t have access to my systems I do have an Nintendo switch (which has really saved my life more than I even realize) but yes I love Anime and finished Naruto not too long ago now I’m currently watching Dragon Ball Daima. If you ever get the chance watch Solo-Leveling, it’s an incredible watch

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You’ve always been a real solid one over9000, like me you were one of the members who stayed and kept an open mind when others were losing theirs. I’ve been away from the other shows too long and need to make a return.

Funny thing about that I still remember the very first time Doc read one of my comments on air and got my name right perfectly on the first try, then after that struggled lmao :joy: I also remember when that was Ana for the longest time, she couldn’t say Cerberus at all and Cenk would have to help her a couple of times but she’s gotten much better.

I’m glad you were able to find a real one and honestly I’m not bitter towards women in anyway I mean I totally get it, it’s like buying a car; 8 out of 10 will pick the better looking and running model, not too many are willing to pick the old busted model with the bad motor and engine sure but those other 2? They’re the ones that will not only get the busted model but will put the time and effort into fixing it to something better but they are a rare breed.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to see that, I’ll be turning 45 next week and kind of gave up on the idea not out of spite but just being realistic. Women have it hard enough out here and maybe they see someone in my situation too much of a burden to add on to their life especially if they’re struggling too. Maybe I can get some of your luck one day and find that real one too :smiling_face:

But thank you fam… So much

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America seems to run on messaging that fans self-judgment. Overt and subliminal. In advertising and fiction. The “mute” button is my favorite button on the remote, and I have a theory that the corporations are trying to find ways to make it a paid-for optional/luxury feature. A theory based on nothing tangible, by the way. But still, I should look into the history of the “mute” button. I wonder if it was ever as shocking as the seatbelt or fiduciary responsibility.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of what we are told is “wrong” is just human? If we listen to the messaging — and it’s not entirely escapable, in my opinion, because it already got in during childhood — we’re wrong every time we eat, sleep, feel, sweat, smell, fart, etc. Humans have hair, but we’re wrong for having it in certain places. And other places need more!

It’s not enough to be natural, you need the “natural look.” Clothes wrinkle, but what do creases say about you? Do your clothes NOT smell like a summer breeze after WEEKS of wear? That’s wrong too. Since when?! I could go on and on…

The point is that self-judgment is a good thing to rail against because not only is that what the system wants, it’s how their deeper messaging gets in: selling the fix, making you dependent on them by doubting yourself. But we’re all better off when we find our own personal compass.

We’re human, and sometimes when I’m feeling particularly self-critical, I remind myself that that’s unlikely ME talking. Who knows what hidden BS message was planted when I was five/ten/twenty, you know?

So, maybe next time you find yourself criticizing yourself, think of the assholes who would want to capitalize on that and take care of you as a big fuck you to the establishment. Being human is fucking fantastic! And that messaging can fuck right off!

People have mentioned anger, and that is certainly useful. But it can be hard to give to a cause when you are struggling. So, I’ve decided that self-care is an act of rebellion too. I’m still not great at it. I’ve been programmed well! But that conclusion has helped me integrate it more. Maybe that will help you too.

To hell with everyone who wants us thinking ill of ourselves! I matter. You matter. We matter. Right?!

I’m having trouble with the word processing window. I hope this message posts alright. Take care.

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Load and clear my friend, and you know what… That’s probably some of the best advice I have read in years frankly and the way you broke it down made total sense and though you were confident in your logic you still left room for reasonable doubt. I’ve actually had similar thoughts in my head but would brush them off as superstitious fever daydreaming but to see another person with the same thought process is reassuring.

But you are right in more ways than one I really need to stop thinking like that, just because my life isn’t where I want it to be doesn’t mean I’m a failure, my daughter is living proof that I’m not. I know I have a lot to work on as far as self help and care but this has been a really good start. Do you play chess by any chance?

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I don’t play chess, but it is one of those things that I wish I did do. I learned the basics back in the day, but I don’t even have a chess set anymore. I used to have one of those travel magnetic ones. It wasn’t impressive, but I love magnetic stuff! So, I miss it. I’m still open to playing chess so long as the other player doesn’t expect a challenge.

I’m glad that what I said helped. I totally agree that coming upon someone with a similar thought process is reassuring. It’s like a, “I DO make sense!” moment. I firmly believe that little nuggets of wisdom are floating around, and we can find them in unexpected places — tea bags, animated movies, and even inside our own minds. A big challenge in this life seems to be learning how to trust ourselves.

You’re not a failure. This world is absurdly rigid about the “success” rubric, and all the while, the world pretends like everyone had the same “chance” at “success.” The system wants us to hate ourselves (and each other). We have to resist that shit and give ourselves credit for the smaller stuff too.

As far as I can tell, there are a lot of people who are leading that “most successful life” who are horrible human beings. I don’t think they’re doing “self-care” right if they’re assholes. Do their bodies not release oxytocin or endorphins or something? Does the luxury lose its luster? Do they develop a tolerance?

It’s like those people who travel the world and don’t learn to value different cultures or appreciate people. Or like the assholes in Congress who have everything, but it’s never enough. Some are well beyond “retirement age,” but they are too miserable to just go off and live a pleasant life with those ill-gotten gains. I don’t think that’s “successful” no matter how many times I’m told that THEY are the winningest of all! What was the point of the heist if they didn’t go off and live in happy luxury? And look at the ones who have daughters but suppress women’s rights. That’s not “successful”! I doubt they even know what love is.

Did you ever read the Hunger Games? Excellent books, in my opinion. There’s this character I love: Peta. And he says something like, “He doesn’t want to lose sight of who he is.” That is not a direct quote, but the vibe of it really resonated with me. What good is “winning” if by the end of it, you aren’t who you want to be?

(Message will continue in another part somehow. I got a “too long” message.)

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This philosophical stuff sounds like absolute bullshit when you’re struggling to have the basics, I know. I have a love/struggle (not hate) relationship with “wisdom.” You know what used to bug the shit out of me? “Time will tell.” Back to the point: being yourself in this moment is a huge fucking win. I love how much you love your daughter, but you are displaying other things that very loudly communicate: I AM NOT A FAILURE. So, try to hear yourself, Cerberus. From what I can see in your words, something inside you knows your worth well. Your daughter is living proof, yes, but so are you.

I hope that you can see one day how fucking brilliant it was — for you and this community — to start this thread.

(The funny thing about continuing onto a part 2 is that I thought I was keeping it short! Whoops!)

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Me again. I’m not great at the discussion forum layout. Like right now, my text window is super small. Before, it was too large and flickering when I tried to scroll. It just took me a while to post a new topic about a free app. And I’m not sure I deleted the draft that was failing. So, I worry that a weird non-post posted somewhere else. Is your device an Apple device by any chance? There’s a free meditation app today. It has a “climate anxiety” theme, but one of the meditations (the only one I listened to so far) is Self Care is World Care. And that made me think of our talk! There are other promising titles too. The app is called Genjo. If your device isn’t an Apple one, maybe Genjo is running the same promo across other platforms too? I don’t know how it works, but I know that some apps are on multiple platforms. Basic stuff, I guess, but just this month, I was pleased to see the Libby library app in the Google phone store. That’s a bizarre, and irrelevant, story. I’m hitting “reply” now, and I hope this message is okay… the box is very small!

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WHAT TO DO?

A) Don’t lose hope. Maintain momentum. Take a day or two off to refresh brain when splattered kids haunt you, then dive back in.

B) Protests and Armchair comments are glue that binds communities and gives you ideas to share and test. Experimenting is a key to evolution and progress.

C) When you have a cohesive group of 25 people INDICT war criminals with a Citizen Grand Jury. It’s pretty easy and JuryTool web site has templates and forms for Jury Foremen (Secretary of group). Once indictment is drafted and voted go to D.A. and A.G. with a professional letter explaining your Grand Jury expects them to proceed with prosecution or they will be added as co-defendants for being complicit in genocide and gross criminal negligence resulting in wrongful deaths, crippling injuries and violations of federal laws, i.e. Leahy Law. Any governor or A.G. who fails to support efforts to prosecute members of congress and Americans funding, arming or serving in the IDF is clearly a co-defendant and should be added to your indictment. Draft another and send them the new version. If 100-1,000 of these landed on the governor’s desk it will have a huge impact.

D) If you don’t indict them and rely on protests and armchair online comments every Palestinian will likely be murdered. The past 2 years (70 actually) proves it.

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Regarding homeless/vanlife/carlife/tent cities, like the post below about forming a cohesive group of 25 people to form a grand jury, homeless/unhoused people can and should form CO-OPS to buy forest and desert land. $12,500 is an reasonable objective for 25 people. The KampKoin web site is one way and allows you to create a chain of campgrounds across the U.S.; 15-25 owners per location with 5-20 open slots for guests charged $20-$50/night or $5.00-$10.00 for dropins who are owners of another campground. This generates revenue to pay owners, so 20 float sites x $50/night = $30K/month or $1,000 each thus paying for your campground you own in one month. Get another one and double your monthly income; the fastest, easiest way for homeless people to own land, improve their property and lives and earn a monthly revenue stream.

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